If you have been diagnosed or suspect you have ADHD, you likely have heard of “masking.” ADHD masking typically develops early in life in response to negative feedback. Over the years, you may have heard things like:

• You are so smart, you just need to apply yourself.
• If you spent as much time on your school work as you did (insert favorite activity) then maybe you’d be doing better.
• Look at me when I am talking to you. Can you please sit still? Why are you always fidgeting?
• Stop interrupting. Why do you have to make everything about yourself?
• You talk too much! You have no filter.
• Everyone struggles with that sometimes. Just get a planner and get organized.
• Why is your room always so messy? You have so much potential.

Many ADHDers have heard these exact words or something very similar. Unknowingly, people in our lives – parents, teachers, mentors, bosses, friends, co-workers- say these things, and immediately, you feel as if no one recognizes your effort. You feel ashamed and exhausted.

Instead of understanding your struggles, they want you to change. They think that something as simple as a list or planner will solve all of your problems, which typically turns you into an anxious perfectionist.

This way of life is exhausting. Left unaddressed, chronic ADHD masking symptoms such as burnout, depression, fatigue, and identity crisis.

Overcompensating to Fit In

These critical phrases drive people with ADHD to fiercely overcompensate. They become hyper-organized, obsessively checking their calendar or schedule – sometimes keeping more than one to stay on track and not get confused.

Personally, I hate to be late. One of the coping mechanisms I created was to work backward to when I needed to be ready in order to leave on time, and scheduling myself in strict 15-minute increments. For example, if I need to leave at 4:00 pm, I know I have to start getting ready at 3:00 pm. If I decide to go to the pool first, I know I must leave by 2:45 pm to be home by 3 pm at the latest.

Over time, I have learned to control my impulses, and frankly, it’s gotten much better since I started medication to help. But even now, I catch myself finding inconspicuous ways to fidget. This masking extends heavily into conversation, too. My brain is constantly moving – always in response mode or trying to make a connection through similar experiences. But to fit in, I hold back, filter things out, and sometimes just nod along even though I’m not really listening.

The Journey to Late Diagnosis and Identity Crisis

Because I’ve been corrected, managed, and dismissed so often, I never really felt like I fit in or belonged. I have only a few really close friends around whom I feel safe being myself. “Because I’ve been corrected, managed, and dismissed so often. “Safe” is an intentional word here; I reveal my true self only to those who I know will genuinely accept me.

In fact, I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until I was in my 40s. It happened at my therapist’s encouragement and after she looked at me and said, “I think you have ADHD and have developed incredible coping skills.” Looks like I just joined the adult ADHD diagnosis club!

Yep, I sure did. I never thought of myself as a perfectionist, but there I was – going along like I had it all under control when on the inside I was drowning. But I couldn’t tell anyone because I had learned that my struggles wouldn’t been taken seriously, or I’d just be told to try harder.

ALL I DID WAS TRY HARDER.

While this internal pressure made me a high performer at work, it also left me constantly fearful that one mistake would get me fired (a topic I’ll address in more detail in another post).

Ultimately, masking led me to a complete identity crisis. I became performative. To blend in, I would replicate the exact behaviors and interactions of the people I was with. It was exhausting. I would get home and admonish myself for doing things I didn’t really want to, or that felt out of alignment with who I was at my core. These are the signs of ADHD coping mechanisms.

I struggled to understand my own preferences, set boundaries, and, if you asked me, who I was…eek! I could tell you my skill set, but not my actual personality. I was constantly checking with other people and asking them, “Am I a nice person? Am I good? Do you think people like me?”

Stepping into My Authentic Self

Thankfully, I have an amazing therapist who understands what it’s like to navigate life with an ADHD brain, and she has helped me safely unmask. Sometimes people now think I’m harsh or brash, but really, I’m just being me.

I’m still learning to say “no” or “I don’t like that.” Heck, it took me five years to tell my husband that I didn’t like a restaurant he liked because I was afraid of his rejection. How silly is that? But that is exactly what ADHD does to you when you don’t recognize it, accept it, and understand it. You think there’s something wrong with you, but there’s not.

If you are looking for someone who knows what it’s like to have ADHD, I’m here. Together, we can discuss what to look for in a psychiatrist for a formal diagnosis, talk through the benefits and costs of medication, or develop a tailored strategy for managing your ADHD without medication. Most importantly, I’ll help you find yourself and your voice.

People might be surprised when you start to say no and set boundaries, but you will be happier and closer to your authentic self than you ever imagined. And if you are a religious person, I cannot deny the importance of understanding that you are fully loved by God. Knowing and feeling this truth is what got me through many dark days and nights when I felt entirely unlovable and misunderstood.

Want to find yourself? Schedule an appointment with me or call me at 470-241-4336. I’m happy to walk with you on this journey.

For more information on ADHD, the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is a great resource.